I moderate a couple groups on Ravelry, and when I checked on one of them last night, I discovered that I had offended someone without even realizing it. A) it was unintended, but B) when I tried to clarify myself and smooth things over, I ended up making it worse, apparently. This morning, I attempted again to straighten out the situation, and the other person took offense again! *headdesk* So, I sent a PM and apologized–again–for whatever I did. I kind of understand how she misunderstood me, but at the same time I guess I should have been crystal clear when I originally posted…ok, THIS post makes no sense, right? sigh. Suffice it to say, all y’all who stay off the Ravelry forums are looking REALLY SMART to me right now. Because it’s just not worth the headache on days like today. I mean, I have a lot to worry about in my life (hmm mortgage, credit card bills, you know, REAL LIFE), without having to walk on eggshells for people in my own group that I moderate. zoinks. I swear, the Internet is going to be the death of me.

I think I’ll go craft something to avoid The Crazy. I finally got the hang of the basic crochet stitches, and I started a ripple afghan for M’s mom. I’m using super duper chunky yarn (Wool-Ease Thick & Quick) on a size P hook, so it’s definitely working up fast…but it feels like a workout just maneuvering the yarn around, lol!

(FYI, this is the same woman [and that's being mighty polite] who once made me CRY because she is so frickin rude and I cannot stand her.)

EDIT: ok, what is up with today? First that lady, then at lunch I was approached while I was in my parked car eating lunch in a parking lot by a Jesus salesgirl. Sidenote: I know that term could be construed as semi-insulting, but really, that’s what they feel like to me–they are actually Jehovah’s Witnesses but this has happened to me once before, in the same parking lot. The JW know that people sit in this lot during lunch break, so they drive around it a couple times a month, passing out religious reading material. I’d be annoyed if someone bothered me trying to pass out flyers for a store, so I was equally annoyed both times with the JW. This time, I didn’t take the pamphlets, though I did the first time, just to be polite. I need to find another parking lot to eat lunch in, sigh.

ok, then after those two incidents, I had to get gas and the pump I chose? Wouldn’t pump correctly. Of course I would choose the one pump out of four that is broken. gah! Although technically, it did trickle out $0.05 of gas into my tank before it crapped out. Five CENTS. By the time I put the nozzle back, all the other three pumps were taken, so I had to drive down the street to the Shell station (where gas was more expensive, of course) to fill up. egads!

All right, now if it’s true that things come in threes, then that’s enough for today, almighty universe! Have your fun with someone else pleasethankyouokbye.

And sigh…mad rant ahead…

Of course, I got the obligatory “we told you so” from my parents. I am soooooo, soooooo, sooooooooooooo ready to move out and you can bet that I will once…er…I win the lottery or find a better-paying job. I hate to be such a whiner all the time because I DO appreciate them taking me back in after Le Divorce,  but come on. Something’s got to give. Making me feel like a screw-up all the time isn’t good either, you know.

Case in point: while my mom is *usually* not as bad as my dad, she still loves saying “I told you so.” What is up with that? Does that boost her self-esteem, maybe? I know, I know, she’s a mom. But really, I think they derive some kind of pleasure from seeing me mess up, whilst simultaneously berating me for being so stupid. eh??? yeah, it doesn’t make sense to me either.

And the thing is, they complain because I eat out so much, but then when I eat at home, they cook things like fried rice and eggrolls and various other fried sundries. My mom even admitted yesterday that she has been frying too much lately. ok, so it’s not 100% my fault then, is it? Granted, what I eat when I go out *is* my responsibility. But they can’t complain that I have too many burgers and then feed me deep-fried eggrolls at home, either. That’s kind of counter productive.

Other case in point: I was so proud of myself for actually TAKING the doctor’s advice to heart and deciding to change my diet. Immediately after work yesterday,  I went to the doctor’s to pick up my follow-up bloodwork form, which I’ll have redrawn in 3 months and which will test my cholesterol, post-trying to be healthy. I’m going to start walking every evening again, which I had stopped doing during the summer because I was making excuses and being lazy. So I got the oatmeal, the fruit, the water, blah blah…went home. And ugh.

I told my mom that I got some oatmeal for breakfast, and she said, “We already have some here.” And I said, “This is the flavored kind, so I’ll actually *eat* it.” (I already knew the flavored has a bit more sugar than the original, but just work with me here.) Then my dad, the ever-present killjoy, said, “Hmph, that has too much sugar.”

I. almost. lost. it.

I just said, “Well I already bought it, I’m not going to return it. It doesn’t have THAT much sugar.” I think my mom sensed a head-to-head about to ensue, so she just said “ok” and that was it. She then proceeded to fix ramen for dinner (I’m being serious), which btw isn’t that loaded with sodium? hello??

My point is, why are they consistently dissing my efforts–to get a second job in order to pay my debt, to change my eating habits so I become somewhat healthier–and then do the counter-productive crap right after? ARG! See what I’m dealing with here, people? It is making me CRAZY. There is no positive reinforcement, no support. Just you’re doing this wrong, you’re doing that wrong. OMGWTFBBQTNTABCDEFG. lol

But wait! There’s more! My mom said to toast some bread or something so I would feel full, and I said I didn’t want any, then made the mistake of saying I would eat a granola bar later if I still felt hungry, because I got some of those at the store, too. And she said, “Yeah, but the problem with that is those have sugar too.”

ARGGGGGG

How ’bout I just go outside like a COW and nibble on some grass for a bit? Then go dip my tongue into the lake and lap up some water? How’s that?

ok, I’m being sarcastic but you get the picture. I don’t think the issue here is that I am going to DIE if I have a bit of sugar, I think it’s just that my parents are making me CRAZY with their eccentric selves and I may need to have a breakdown before the year is over. Maybe.

oh, and btw, remember the library job I applied for? They called me for an interview because they liked my typing test results and resume. But the position was part-time days only, and I was wanting nights and weekends. So it didn’t work out. My dad had been FLIPPING OUT because the library and area were “dangerous” and “in the middle of nowhere” and see? I ended up not even going for that job anyway. So he almost burst a freaking blood vessel over nothing. So stupid.

ok, I’m done ranting for now, I think. Just understand that when I say my parents are making me crazy, I’m not exaggerating all that much. It’s those types of things every day of my life. Nit pick here, insult there, totally shooting down my efforts to do better things for myself. Eventually, all those little things add up. And pretty soon, I’m going to HAVE to move out for my own sanity (taking my dogs with me too), or I’m going to have to start seeing a therapist again, or SOMEthing. I’m at the end of my proverbial rope most days. I’d hate for them to find me swinging from it one day.

My doctor’s office just called me at work to tell me that my cholesterol test results came back higher than normal. I need to change my diet and start getting exercise. I have to go to their office today to pick up another bloodwork form so I can be tested again in 3 months.

And now I’m thinking about all the food I eat every day that I need to cut back on and this is going to be like going on a yarn diet, only with real food. oh shrimp scampi at Red Lobster, how I will miss your buttery sauce…I know it’s for my health, and I can do it…it’s just going to take some time to adjust. sigh. Getting older kinda sucks, lol.

(And great, my doctor’s office called my parents’ house, so my mom called me twice at work interrogating me and I’m like, I can’t talk about this right now…can we talk about this later. Just one more thing that they can lecture me about. Fanfreakingtastic.)

Anyone have any lowering-your-cholesterol tips? Specific ones, other than don’t eat so much fried foods and go work out, you lazy bum?

So it’s time to set another goal. I am SORELY tempted to say ok, I did it…”went without” for one month. But if you look at my Ravelry stash, I still have a ton of yarn. Sooooo…time to set another goal and extend the yarn diet to phase two:

I will not buy any yarn until October 1.

That’s another month and as evidenced by August-September, I can do it!

Now for the bad…

Life at home is bad. My parents and I butt heads occasionally and this past week was REALLY bad. I’ve been looking for a second job so that I can A) pay off the loan leftover from my divorce agreement, B) pay off my two credit cards, and C) move out of my parents’ house. Sounds good, right? It’s industrious and hard-working and a *positive* thing that I’m trying to work hard to achieve my goals, right?

ha. yeah right. Read on…

I applied for a second job as an Admin Assistant at a library in VA Beach. The “problem” is, it’s about 20 minutes from my day job and about 40 minutes from my house. The hours would vary, and I’m hoping that I could get nights and weekends, though I haven’t even been interviewed yet (crosses fingers). But the city human resources office called me for a typing test, which I went and took. I’m supposed to hear back from them by Wednesday or so of next week if they’re interested in interviewing me. This job would be great because the pay there is actually more per hour than I make at my day job, it’s just part time. I’m hoping, though, that I can get my foot in the door and eventually quit my day job and work at the library full time. But we’ll see.

So my parents didn’t react well to the idea of me getting this job. A) they said it’s too far and “in the middle of nowhere” and even went so far as to call it “dangerous.” B) They never once applauded me for trying to pay my OWN debt with my OWN money. They just told me not to do it. Literally, they told me not to. C) The other morning while I was EATING BREAKFAST, my dad picked a fight with me, reminding me that while I was in New Mexico, they sent me money for college to help me out (which they did), and he then said–and I quote–”But what did you do? You just took ONLINE CLASSES. Who takes ONLINE CLASSES.”

ok, sidebar, people. He completely insulted my online education, AS IF to say that those courses and all the HOURS I spent studying and getting STRAIGHT As weren’t valid. For one thing, the college I went to is fully accredited and my credits are transferrable, and for another thing, could he just give it a rest already? I was eating freaking BREAKFAST. I sat there arguing back with him, and my mom was trying to break up the argument, but I just got my stuff and left. It was ridiculous. I was crying and kept saying, “I know I disappoint you, Dad, but I’m trying to pay off my debt and work hard and do it myself.”

It’s just heartbreaking for me because they will never be proud of me, no matter what I do. Here I am, trying to work hard and get to a point where I WILL be able to survive on my own, but that’s not good enough. My marriage failed, so I had to come back here and that’s not good enough. My dogs had a hard time adjusting, and they were “too much trouble” for my parents. And I kid you not, my dad called me “hard-headed” and said that I, too, am “too much trouble.”

I know he basically thinks I’m a loser, but for goodness sake, give it a rest. I don’t ask my parents to pay my credit cards or cell phone or loan bills or even GAS, for crying out loud. I pay those myself. I understand it was nice of them to let me move back in, but at what cost? I’m freaking miserable here. They’re never supportive emotionally. It sucks. It’s as if they feel they have the right to continue telling me how to live my life, even though I’m now 27 years old. I can’t live like this.

So at the risk of defying them and potentially getting kicked out of the house, I’m going to continue pursuing this second job. I think I have a good shot at it–my typing test went really well. This second job would bring in a little over $10,000 per year. That’s in ADDITION to my salary from my day job. I could pay off my debt in about one year. And be out of this house. Will my sanity last that long? I’m not so sure.

It absolutely crushes me that my efforts to have a work ethic and be responsible are basically being insulted by my parents. They really don’t get it. They just treat me like I’m stupid because I’ve made mistakes. What kind of treatment is that? We ALL make mistakes. And I can tell you this, I won’t be making the same mistakes in the future. I *am* capable of learning. I’m not a total idiot.

Despite how they make me feel pretty much every day.

(P.S….if you’re going to leave a comment saying “oh they’re your parents they’re just trying to protect you,” save it. There’s being protective and loving, and there’s being absolutely insulting and emotionally abusive. My dad falls under the latter. He has been this way my whole life.)

What I hated was that she didn’t yell–no, that would be too kind! She had this weird, controlled anger that freaked me out. Like this creepy Hannibal Lechter kinda thing. I felt like a little kid who did something wrong without KNOWING it was wrong, and then being reprimanded for it.

Worse yet, I work in an open area with several other people, so I couldn’t just start arguing with her because I didn’t want everyone to hear, so I just got stuck saying “yes” and “uh huh” until the lady was done with me. I couldn’t help it–when she finally hung up, I went to the bathroom and started crying. It SUCKED. I kept trying to make myself stop and it just didn’t work. So I had my little cry for about 5 minutes, then went back to work.

My boss is out of town this week, so I emailed him to let him know that apparently I’d screwed up royally and that I was sure he’d hear about it from the mean lady. Well, my boss called a little later and said that he spoke to her and straightened things out. A) he said I didn’t do anything wrong and B) just because she didn’t like what I did, didn’t make it the wrong thing. PHEW! I don’t think I could have gotten in trouble twice in one day like that. I would have run my head through the wall or something.

ok, here’s the thing. The business that we deal with every day is retail-oriented. So the huge freak out that this lady was having with me? All comes down to MONEY. The bottom line. Her SALARY, basically. I understand we all have jobs to do, we all have to make a living…but really. Is it necessary to belittle others and make them feel, oh, about 5 years old? Just because there was some kind of misunderstanding? She totally flipped out on me, and for little reason, according to my boss. And he should know, seeing as how I feel clueless most days at work still.

But it just pissed me off. This lady gets paid quadruple what I make every year (I’m not kidding), at least. I don’t get paid enough to be belittled, no matter how passively! It just seems morally wrong, somehow. I know it’s the norm that we little people get the short end of the stick, but it’s still wrong. Period.

Besides, I really don’t think the world is going to end if a certain brand of watches is no longer carried in her store. Really, life and the human race itself WILL GO ON, lady. ughhhh!

(No offense to you if you’re blonde, by the way. I’ve actually found a stray blonde hair growing out of my black-haired head before. Just saying.)

I got new glasses! So it also goes without saying that yes, my prescription got worse. And my optometrist kind of chewed me out, saying that I really need to stop overwearing my contacts because I could damage my eyes if I keep wearing them for a month at a time instead of only two weeks at a time. ok, ok, you guilt tripped me enough, thanks!

So I have to go back in a week for a follow-up and then he’ll write me a contacts prescription, on the condition that I wear my contacts correctly now. ok, ok. This time I really will.

One of my sisters and her two young sons stayed with us this weekend, and oh my goodness, I was SO ready for them to leave this morning. I’m just such a hermit that I can’t stand being around people all the time. Plus the boys kept doing things that I feel are rude, like coming into my bedroom WITHOUT knocking. I hate that. And their mom is right in the living room, why can’t she teach them manners? Something along the lines of, “don’t go into your auntie’s room unless you knock first!” Something like that? arggggggh.

You know what I’m always saying–I really need to get out of this house!

Case in point: there is a certain knitting-related group on Flickr to which I USED to belong. I think I once had a photo deleted from the group pool because I mistakenly, HEAVEN FORBID, post a photo of an unfinished knit sock! oh no!!! The horror! So the group admin had a hissy and warned me about the group being for completed socks ONLY, and that if I did it again, I would burn in HELL. (ok, exaggeration–but you get the idea. She was miffed, I got the picture.)

So I thought, fine, it’s her group–she’s a bit tyrannical, maybe that’s just her personality. I abode by the rules for a couple more months, till I saw a post in the discussion area where she cattily made a comment to someone else. It was soooo dumb! Not something to get one’s panties in a knot over! I’d had enough. I quit the Flickr group. Not only that, I deleted this person from my contacts list. She might be a great knitter, but her personality was a major turnoff.

Here’s what I don’t understand–why do some people get SO stinking dictator about stuff that is intended to be fun and community based? All of the “don’t do this, you’re not allowed to do that” really, really annoys me. So I exercised my right to quit the group. I do understand that some people are control freaks, but…I don’t know. It just seems such a rarity to find a bitchy knitter (for the most part) that when I do run across one, I’m dumbfounded. The majority of us are quite nice people.

/end rant

Anyway, excluding the fact that I was rather sleepy and didn’t talk much (I never talk much when I first meet people!), it was fun! I want to go back next week. All five of us were knitting socks, and I actually finished my second Zen String sock while I was there! I need to take a pic of it!

So, the not fun. /begin rant:

To make a quite long story short, I had to take a half-day off from work today. Due to the fact that my parents are uber-paranoid about my dogs and how my parents simply CANNOT leave the house without someone being here to watch the dogs. See, my mom has a doctor’s appointment today. It’s sort of far from our house–you have to drive through a tunnel to get there. And my mom NEVER drives by herself anymore. So of course, my dad has to take her.

Normally, this isn’t a problem; my parents’ dog stays in the house when they’re gone, and then my dogs stay in the backyard. They can’t all be in the house together because apparently my female, Autumn, thinks she is Cujo when she sees my parents’ dog. But anyway.

Today, however, it became a BIG problem because the temperature outside is something like 97 degrees with a heat index of 105. Now, a PERSON would melt outside in that after 10 minutes, much less a dog! Two dogs, even! And my parents were going to leave my dogs outside for at least 2 HOURS. Probably 3. um…no. This is unacceptable.

So there was this big to-do last night between my parents and me, and how once again, my dogs are so much “trouble” and blah blah blah. So this morning, I just told them that I would ask my boss if I could work a half day, at the risk of him saying no. (I don’t think my boss was entirely PLEASED that I asked, but he wasn’t angry. I didn’t dare tell him it was about my parents vs. my dogs, though. That would have sounded ridiculous.)

All of this mayhem just makes me that much more determined to get out of this house ASAP. In fact, remember all that talk about getting a second job? I applied for not one, but two jobs last night online. They’re both part-time, so we’ll see if anyone calls me about them.

But man, I was so pissed at my parents last night. I think it’s heartless to just say, oh we’ll leave OUR dog inside in the nicely air-conditioned house for hours at a time, but the OTHER dogs…we’ll just leave them outside. ??? When did my dogs become the red-headed stepchildren around here? geez!

/end rant

oh, and of course my dad called after I came home around 12:30, to see if the dogs were all ok and to say, “make sure you leave them inside! It’s too hot outside,” as if the whole thing were his idea. When just last night he was saying, just leave them outside. arggggg.

Moving on now! Speaking of the dogs, I have Autumn’s Bark Busters trainer coming to the house tonight to re-assess her behavior and generally check up on her. Orion is still doing well, but I might talk to the trainer about working with him too–I just cannot teach the boy to stay. He sits, but then he jumps up and does that wiggly butt dance thing, and will not sit still. It’s pretty funny, actually.