The older I get, the more of a Scrooge I become. I’m sorry! I know some people absolutely love Christmas/the holiday season, but I’ve never been that way, even as a child. It’s weird, but I guess as an adult I associate Christmastime with so many bad periods in my life, so whenever it rolls around the following year, I just feel…blah. I’d call it winter blues, except I actually enjoy cold weather now and bundling up in sweaters and coats and scarves…

Work is still going pretty well. The library job helps to balance out the crapola at my day job. The head librarian is throwing a holiday party on December 8, which I might go to. I’m off that whole day, and I need to take Autumn back to the vet that morning for her booster shots.

I feel really sad lately about my dogs–I hardly see them during the week anymore, though I say good morning and good night to them every day and give them pats and kisses and snuggles, it’s just not the same. I used to have them around me constantly in NM, to the point where they would sit next to me while I knit or watched DVDs, and it was so comforting. I would do laundry and Autumn would follow me around the house, literally. (Orion was usually sprawled out on the couch or tiles.) I would go from room to room and Autumn would shadow me. Then if I had to go to the bathroom or something, she would actually lie down outside the closed door and wait until I came out! Soooo sweet. I miss that. Now that I work so much, I’m gone an awful lot, and I barely see them during the week. Also, I haven’t been able to work with Autumn on the leash the way I was doing daily, and it seems she has forgotten her training because she pulled me around when we went to the vet a couple weeks ago…sigh. I feel horrible, like I am neglecting them, because I do think of myself as a dog parent and it’s like I’m being a deadbeat dog mommy! My parents help take care of them when I’m at work, but they don’t play with the dogs–just feed them and clean up after them. And dogs really need some love and attention. I’ve noticed a change in Autumn–she seems more sedate now, though still happy to see me at the end of the day…holy crap, I feel like crying right now! I need to stop. I keep telling myself that I’m working so much in order to be able to give them AND myself a better life for the future, but it doesn’t feel right lately. I don’t know anymore.

See, the holidays are so melancholy for me because people talk about “cheer” and “joy” and all this, but all I feel is sad about a lot of things. It’s hard to explain. I want to feel joyful and celebratory, but since I don’t really have a strong connection to family or religion anymore, I just feel…kind of empty, I guess. I’ve reverted into my shell during the day–in the mornings I listen to podcasts and knit while sitting in my car before work, and do the same during lunch break. It keeps me distracted, but obviously not enough.

It just seems like I am wasting away, not just mentally or whatever, but kind of physically, too. I’m not even 30 yet but my health isn’t all that great. This Saturday I have to get my blood drawn again for my cholesterol re-screening (can you believe it’s almost been 3 months?), and I highly suspect that it’s still going to be high. I’m sort of dreading it, but then I dread a lot of things like my day job and working so much in general and mean people I have to deal with and the holidays and all sorts of things. Melancholy and dread. Not exactly comfort and joy, right?

I hope all this subsides, I hope that I can pull myself out of this rut long enough to get to a point where I don’t need to have two jobs anymore, where I can sit and knit with a dog on each side of me, and just feel content. It’s awfully lonely where I am right now.