the missing of some cosmic point.
So I just realized something pretty significant.
For several years, I’ve been convinced that I just don’t want to have children. I think it’s great, fantastic even, that other people spawn and reproduce and contribute to the continuance of the human species, but me? No way. I am NOT into family stuff. I’ve always blamed that on my dysfunctional upbringing and heck, whose family wasn’t dysfunctional in some way? So I’ve decided that I’ll leave the babymaking to the rest of you.
Something weird happened.
I’ve started avoiding baby stuff. Sometimes going out of my way to avoid it. For example, one of my Flickr contacts had a baby recently, and I’ve *purposely* avoided her photos. One of the bloggers I subscribe to in Bloglines announced that she is pregnant, and I’ve been skimming her posts. Well, to be honest, I skim a lot of blogs sometimes, but with that one, I skim REALLY quickly. Mainly to clear the “new post” marker.
And tonight, literally like a clue descending from the sky (perhaps in the beak of a stork?)…I realized. I’m not anti-babies and all the joy that goes with them. I’m just kind of empty on the inside because I feel like I’m missing something, like I just don’t “get” a major point that everyone else seems to get.
I feel like I’m definitely missing out on a HUGE part of what life is about. People always say that having a child changes your life, for obvious reasons. More than that, it changes you forever, but in a good way. A million different good ways. And I feel like something has always been wrong with me because I don’t feel the maternal pull, I don’t feel the mothering instinct, I still don’t feel the urge to join the babymakers. I’m sure that’s fine and possibly normal, but…this avoidance, this going out of my way to avoid baby stuff, it’s not because I am weird or cruel or whatever. I’m just sad for myself.
I guess I feel like my adult life thus far (and there isn’t much of it to speak of…I’m only about to turn 27 on July 5) has been fraught with mistakes and failure. So this, too, this huge Missing of Some Cosmic Point, just plain bothers me. And I wonder if my life will ever fill this void in some other way, or will it always remain? Will I ever get it? Understand?
Or maybe it’s supposed to be this way. Maybe I’m just supposed to wonder about it, and think on it, and then leave it alone. Move on to something else?
I feel like a stranger on the planet, like I see everyone else living “normal” everyday lives, many of which are happy, and I just can’t make the connection. What is the answer here? What’s it all about?
And why, for the life of me, can’t I figure it out?
Posted: June 21st, 2007 under Deep Thoughts.
Comments: 8
Comments
Comment from minnie
Time: June 21, 2007, 9:58 pm
normal is a setting on a dishwasher. don’t worry about it. not everyone is meant to be a mother. the fact that you’ve clued into this BEFORE you became one is a one up for you. i’ve known some women who’ve had baby after baby, and can’t cope with any of it.
i wouldn’t worry about it right now. if you ever feel differently, then fine. have a baby. other wise? don’t worry. you’re fine.
Comment from kc
Time: June 21, 2007, 10:17 pm
I totally get this… except I am starting to feel a maternal pull. And it’s much worse with the tick tock in my brain than it was before when I had no desire for kids. 
Comment from Mary
Time: June 22, 2007, 12:43 am
I am 33 years old. I’ve taken care of my share of babies growing up, as well as dealing with a baby brother when I was 18. I am indifferent to babies in general, but like you have never felt the “need” for one. My mother still has hope…she was 35 when she first married…I just smile and don’t even try to argue anymore. Who knows, maybe someday something will click and we’ll want kids…maybe it won’t. It’s not worth worrying about. Really.
It’s true, not everyone was meant to be a mom…I have several examples within the first branches of the family tree that I can point to, and that saddens me much more than my not having a little nose, butt, or mouth to wipe…eeeuuuwww.
Focus on what you do have, not what you’re “missing;” on what you do want, not what you’re “supposed to.” All that BS about the Victorian “hearth and home” stuff really is just BS.
Comment from Mark
Time: June 22, 2007, 4:39 am
At 27, you’ve got a few years to consider it yet. I am 36 and about to become a father for the first time. I wouldn’t have been ready for or interested in kids at 27.
Time may change your mind, it may not. Live life as you find it.
Comment from Aubrey
Time: June 22, 2007, 7:31 am
Dude, I feel the exact same way. I have NEVER felt a maternal pull in my life and I feel weird because I don’t have any desire to have children. It just doesn’t compute in my mind.
Comment from Annie
Time: June 22, 2007, 10:44 am
No worries, my dear- I think a lot of us go through the anti-baby phase. Sometimes it passes, sometimes not. But I don’t think it’s weird at all!
Comment from Tasha
Time: June 22, 2007, 8:04 pm
Everybody can’t like the same things. Otherwise there’d never be enough chocolate. 
Comment from Emma
Time: June 24, 2007, 10:26 am
They’re not contagious though I did NOT see myself as a mother at 27 and would not have guessed what the future would bring. All days with babies are not at all happy and cosy -to be honest it is really really hard work. But one thing I truly can say has changed is that I never ever feel alone nowadays.
I hope you will find something good to fill your void. Be kind to yourself.
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